outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Clasping It seems that there are two "hands" to love. On the one hand, you are loved completely, unreservedly, and unabashedly by one person. On the other hand, you completely, unreservedly, and unabashedly love one person. You are united, it is beautiful, it's a miracle. Right? But what if you only get one hand? I believe that when I loved Rob, I loved him completely. Until we got divorced, I never once believed that he loved me more than I loved him. But now I wonder. (Read: I am being forced to wonder, by my parents, as punishment for recent events, since I am now beyond the age of grounding.) Was ours a one-handed love? Did I give him less than I got? Did he sacrifice more for me than I did for him? Did I hurt him more than he hurt me? Honestly, I just don't know. I question even my own memories at this point. In any case, I know now what it feels like to completely love a person. To love her so much that you'd sacrifice yourself for her. To be so awed and amazed by her that you wonder why the hell she hangs around with a little dork like you. To want her in ways that transcend physical desire...to want her soul, to want her soul united with your soul. Gross, right? But I'm not kidding. And there is no way, NO WAY I can be persuaded to believe that she could possibly feel that way about me. I can't even think of a single thing that she could do that might convince me that she does. I mean, I know that she loves me, and I know that she appreciates me, but is there the slightest chance that she is insanely in love with me, that she longs for me when I'm standing right beside her, that she would do anything in the world to keep me from pain? No. No. There is no way. Even she knows there is no way. So now I have the other hand. As desperate and lonely and sad as the first hand, but in the opposite direction. If you had to choose, which hand would you want? Imagine you are deeply loved by someone who is devoted to you, but you just don't feel the same way about them. How long would that relationship last? You might stay with that person because you felt like you owed it to them, because you honor and appreciate the love they feel for you, but eventually you'd probably realize that you're not doing anybody any good by absorbing more love than you offer. Eventually you'd be weighed down by the feeling that you're using this person, and deeply sad that you don't care the same way for them, and envious that you're missing out on those feelings when you could be feeling them for someone else. Eventually, you'd find a person that made you feel the way your one-handed lover feels for you. And you'd be gone. Sure you'd tell your one-handed lover that you know they'll find someone who loves them like they loved you, and you'll tell them that you two have had some great times together and you'll always remember and look fondly on your memories. But you'll be gone, and your ex-lover will be alone. No hands. Whose story am I telling? Now imagine you deeply love someone who doesn't love you back in quite the same way. You offer your life to this person, put their needs above yours consistently, try every possible way of making yourself worthy of their love, but know that no matter how much you give you can never get back as much. You send your love into a black hole. You convince yourself that it's worth it, that love can never be in vain, that love is its own reward. You try to be happy with whatever affection your beloved offers you, but the strain of the inequality weighs on you, as does the knowledge that no deep emotion ties your beloved to you, and that they may at any time find someone who can share that bond rather than having it imposed on them. Now whose story is it? Tell me which path you would choose. Be honest. Choose while it's still theoretical, because in real life we don't get to choose. There is no control. If you're lucky you'll never have to experience this. But if you're unlucky...maybe you'll experience it over and over, first one hand and then the other, until the end of your life or the end of time. Who's to say. 2:29 p.m. - 2008-09-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||