outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Grandma Spin So I'm divorced now. Actually, I've been divorced for a month, as of today. It's ok. Becoming a divorced person was, in fact, much less of a transition, and resulted in much less of an identity crisis, than did becoming a "wife." Rob and I are still on good terms. We talk and we're friends (although the slight problem of old husband and new girlfriend not liking the sight of each other is a hindrance). Things between me and Rob's family are ok - maybe not great, but pretty good, considering. Rob was wonderful at making it clear that there was no reason for bitterness and that I had not simply walked out on my marriage. I don't know why he's been so good to me about this, but I am deeply grateful for it. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I was open and honest with him about what was going on every step of the way. There were no surprises and, it seems, no hurt feelings. Miraculously. The problem is, I have not been so wonderful about conveying this same message to my own family. It's not so easy to defend myself, because as far as they know that's just me trying to deflect guilt and culpability. Being thousands of miles away, it's not like Rob and my family and I can just sit down and say, here's what happened. Instead it's me, over the phone, talking to one horrified and ashamed parent at a time. It's a recipe for disaster. And that is exactly what it's been. Anyway, that's just the background for what I really came here to talk about, which is, how the heck am I going to explain this to my grandmother. My parents haven't told anybody about what's going on with me and they don't want me to either. I think that's a bad idea, but fine, if that's how they want it. (My brother and sister know but are about as pleased about it as my parents, if the fact that I never hear from them anymore can be construed as evidence of their opinions.) They especially want to keep it from my grandmother, at least for the time being. Again, I think that's a bad idea, considering how mad she was when they didn't tell her that my brother is gay, but their concern stems from her very fragile emotional state at the present time. My grandfather passed away last year and apparently my aunt is going through a rather messier divorce of her own, and I think they're trying to protect her so she doesn't get really sick from all the stress (and she probably would too, because her emotions are very physical, just like mine). Long story short, I agreed to this, but I said that when the time comes, I want to be the one to tell her because I'm the one who can explain it best. What a load. At the time I said it (*cough* on Mother's Day *cough*), I thought I could explain it best. But as I was thinking this morning, I don't even know how I would begin to spin this situation in the least painful way. What am I supposed to say? "Grandma, I'm gay. Rob and I got divorced months ago and I've been living with my girlfriend. You met her, remember? And you gave her a hug. Little did you know it was a 'welcome to the family' hug." (Or did she? My grandma is a little psychic. Perhaps.) I want to be able to tell her that things with Rob and me are ok, and that no one has to lose anyone. I want to tell her that there are no hard feelings between us and that we just realized as we grew up that I was meant for something else. I want her to know that I love my girlfriend, but I don't love Rob any less...just differently. And that things will be fine, life will go on, and this is not as terrible a thing as it seems. But maybe I'm wrong about that. Other people see this differently, see things about the situation that I don't see. Are there more awful and serious consequences to my actions than I'm aware of, or are my parents just over-reacting out of pain? I am apparently not the best person to answer that question. But I'll be making the obligatory call home on Sunday for Father's Day, so maybe I'll hear more about all of that then. On the one hand, I'm happy to have the excuse to talk to my parents, but on the other hand I don't want anything to do with them and am only calling because I must. I want to be able to work through this with them, I want to be able to have a conversation and hash it all out, but I do NOT want to be yelled at anymore. I'm pushing thirty, people. There is very little that yelling at me can accomplish besides making me not want to ever call again. 8:13 a.m. - 2008-06-12 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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