outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Scrambled eggs Things are going, and I don't know where I'm going. I need to talk something out here, even though I know G reads this and even though she might take some of it personally (it's a diary, not a love letter). But I can't think it out until I write it out, and it's all been drifting around in itchy little wisps in my brain and I need to sweep it out. We are in our last week of our airbnb arrangement, since become a external-to-airbnb arrangement, and are raring to go and move into our own place. The host is back in town, if not entirely moved back in (she stays with her mom who lives down the street), and she's perfectly friendly and personable. The random people who come for a day at a time after our other buddy left, they've all been friendly and personable too. And even we can be friendly and personable when we try. But still. We were never aching for roommates, this just happened. We stopped by the new place yesterday, to see how it looks, and smells, now that the last tenant has moved out. Got barked at by the showing agent ("I'm just here to open the door!" about our various complaints of uncleanliness). The whole place, and especially the dated shag rug, all reek of her old, incontinent dog. I will call tomorrow to see if maintenance is planning to rip up said rug. I am still having no luck with employment. For a couple days, it seemed like my friend at the college where I used to work was going to hire me on a temporary basis to help her get shit in order over there, and that I would be moving back to Nebraska, alone, for the fall semester. I had gotten myself into that mindset - not happy about it really, but glad to be making money, taking care of the house, washing my clothes INSIDE my own house instead of at the laundromat. Plus it was going to buy me time to find a real job here in Oregon. But now it looks like that isn't going to happen, so I feel lost and uncertain again. It isn't like I really wanted to go back to that place and interact with the same people who shamed me publicly, some of whom are still there. It's not like I wouldn't have been anxious out the ying about being there and wondering what they were saying about me when I turned my back. But I thought it might be a chance to redeem myself, at least on my resume. "Yes, they fired me a year ago, but then they hired me back, so you see, it wasn't me." Not sure how much that would be worth it though. But it doesn't matter now, because it probably won't happen. I'm just rambling, mind you; I haven't gotten to the point. This is just documentation for my future self. Whom I have screwed, by the way, by taking out so many loans in the last ten years. If I had conceptualized loans as something you take out against your future self, I would have thought twice about it. Or maybe I wouldn't have, because up until recently I had always assumed my future self would be making more money than my past and present selves. This is clearly an unfounded assumption. When they say my generation will be the first in...a while to not be as successful as our parents', they are pretty much talking about me. I'll come back to this later. G is home now, and our host is here with her tiny dog, and my thoughts are all jumbly. 6:18 p.m. - 2015-08-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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