outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- World of No No. I should stop even trying to have visions of things being good, because every time I put one into writing I get shot down, and it's humiliating every time. I didn't get the best-paying job. That sucks. I'm currently deciding if I want to cry about it. Not that it matters anymore, but it was likely my last chance to do something in the field I spent 11 years and $30,000 dollars on. But whatever, man, whatever. It's my own fucking fault for choosing to martyr myself to a field that no one cares about. I'm sad about it and mad about it and it's just one more fucking thing in my World of No. *eats a consolation cookie* All right. Maybe this is my doing, because I've been putting off having this conversation with myself about what in gods' name it is that I actually want out of my life. Probably because I can't decide and just generally don't know. And that's not helping me or anybody else help me get to a better place. I know I just said I shouldn't bother creating visions of a better future, but what the heck. It's all incoherent and written on scraps of mental paper anyway. I realized the other day - yesterday? - that for me, it's all about feelings. I want to FEEL good, not just sound good on paper. I miss feeling like I was in the middle of something mystical. I miss camaraderie, excitement, enjoyment. I miss feeling appreciated. I want those feelings in my life. I was to feel like I am where things are happening. And just because my "grass is always greener" thinks that those things, whatever they are, are happening somewhere else (like Portland), that's nonsense if I can't even put my finger on what it is I'm trying to be in the middle of. I want to be in control of my worries. I'm afraid for my safety most of the time I'm out in the world - I want to feel like I can defend myself, like I can survive calamity. I worry about money; I want to feel like I'm okay financially. I worry about how my face and body look; I want to feel like I'm doing a good job taking care of myself and everyone who doesn't like how I look can literally go fuck themselves if they're so great. And speaking of fucking... I want to be wanted. I'm sick of this passionless existence, it's just one more humiliation. I deserve a sex life that fulfills me. I want to create things and have people enjoy them. I want recognition. I want to be loved. I want to be honored and admired. So what if it's egotistical, I want it. I want to be here but for here to be healthy. Not meth central, not soaked in cigarette smoke and desperation, but a thriving community with fun things going on and people happy to be here. It's beautiful, it's incredible, and it shouldn't feel like where the rest of Oregon has left its addicts to die. I want a kid! I know it's stupid to keep waiting, but it would be stupid to have a kid now when our survival is hanging by a thread. I want to start having kids by the time I'm 37. It might already be too late, but I'll pursue other options if I have to. I need to stop thinking that I have no journey of my own. I am with G but I am my own person with my own needs and my own self-expression and my own way of enjoying my life. I can't tie my happiness and satisfaction to hers, especially if hers is so fucking unobtainable. This is not about love and commitment to her, this is about love and commitment to myself. This is leading nowhere, I can see that, but I don't know how else to go about getting SOMEWHERE. I don't like working. Who does? But I do like getting things done. I don't know what career is out there for me. I just don't know. This is fucking stupid. Talk to you more later. 2:54 p.m. - 2015-09-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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