outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary

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Jerked around by another potential employer

On the one hand, it would be great for my research if I were able to collect two weeks worth of data in a whole new study environment, with a whole new group of students, from a whole new culture. It would add enormous depth to the study, and turn my results from pretty much one big anecdote to something that looks a little more like a research endeavor one might build a career upon.

On the other hand, I'm not prepared to teach, I don't have a place to live or a way to get there, and I would get even further behind on my summer job.

This is all supposed to begin in four days, and I still don't have word about whether it's going to happen or not. The longer it takes to find out, the more antsy and anxious I become.

At this point, I am actually hoping it falls through. I am that lazy! Two weeks of mild inconvenience and work, in exchange for I don't even know how much awesome data.

But I don' wanna.

The truly true truth is, I don't want to leave my girlfriend for two long, excruciating weeks. Even though we frequently refuse to sleep in the same bed when we're angry, we have still spent every evening in the same place, ever since we first started living together almost six months (!) ago. And even before we lived together, we never went more than a week without being together, burning many a much-cheaper-than-now gallon o'gas.

I might go certifiably insane without her, this is what I'm trying to tell you.

I'm trying to keep some perspective, knowing as I do that we might just be all a-bliss in the honeymoon phase of our relationship, but I don't remember ever being this close with anyone else. We travel everywhere together, we share everything, we rely on each other. We do all the things I was never open to doing in the past; namely, allowing myself to become completely interdependent, to tie my very survival to another person and tie hers to mine.

It's scary, but why? It feels so good.

Nothing prepared me for how good it was going to be to be in love with a woman. I had absolutely no idea. I thought my need for a woman was purely sexual, but it's so much more than that. It's compatibility, mutual support, softness, peace.

I know some women feel that way in the arms of a man, but I'll never understand why. Girl power, baby. Sweet, delicious girl power.

And still no word about teaching on Monday. I think I'll just hide under the covers and watch Alice in Wonderland with my girl this weekend, either way.

1:57 p.m. - 2008-07-10

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