outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- beauty I'm still alive. I don't know what compels me to ignore my diary and my readers for days at a time; certainly not the lack of things to say. Probably the lack of momentum. I'm just...tired, sometimes. Sick of things. Pushing it all away. It's a waste of my time though, because there is no away. You know what it really is? Laziness. That's what I'm putting my money on. Intellectual laziness, emotional laziness, just pure, unadulterated, I-can't-deal-with-this-because-I-don't-wanna laziness. It's a rut, and unpleasant rut, into which I've deposited myself since working here and selling my soul to this computer. What will my life be like when I leave here? If I ever do. Will I be able to get A's again? Will I be able to take genuine unselfish interest in others' lives again? Will I be interested in making myself the best possible Jessie I can again? Or does all that fall by the wayside when you've become a psychopathically boring sap on the world's resources. Come, come, now. All right, I'm done with the whining. The problem with being in the first few stages of dulldome is that you can still see how you used to be, and still condemn yourself for what you now are. I'll get over it. I'm expecting big changes when I move away from Boston. Something about being in a beautiful, healthy place changes you. Changes me, rather. It always has, and it will continue to do so, if I make it a priority. I am so thoroughly, utterly, whole-heartedly looking forward to it. Interesting. I've found a site containing pictures of my neighborhood. It sort of looks, kind of, I don't know, charming when you look at it through pictures. Well, perhaps not. Dude! I'm really not in as hideous a mood as you might deduce from the bulk of this entry. Not at all. I may be brooding a bit...I've been reading widower. It's a great diary, but it makes you think...you can't stop bad things from happening, can you? It isn't possible. We shouldn't try, and we shouldn't dwell on it. We are strong, we can handle what comes. But... But I'm Jessie, and dwelling is what I do best. The good news is, it makes me love and appreciate Rob a thousand times harder. A thousand, a zillion times harder. It's difficult, since I love him so much already, but it can be done. Screw what people say ("does Rob ever talk?"), Rob is the most wonderful person in my life. Everyone should have a Rob of their own. But I'm not sharing, sorry. Gah, I'm looking for a good debate anywhere, and I can't find anything. Damn. Where's a fight?! Hm, what else has been going on...late night and Witchblade on Monday, which I don't want to talk about because, I just don't. Sunday, um...jesucristo, I forget. I think Rob and I just hung. Out. Saturday was the fetish fair and a late night...I was kind of reserving that topic for Giallo's diary, to which I will post as soon as I gather my courage. Ok, in short, nothing's been going on, you haven't missed a thing. ;) I've been scrambling to find any trace of my scores from the general GRE that I took two years ago. I'm scared completely shitless because the guy I'm going to see at the U of A in Tucson wants to see them, as well as my resume and, presumably, my transcript. Eeeeeeee, it's kind of like I'm actually going to apply to grad school. I'm not ready! I thought I was going to have until the winter! I'm ready, I'm just scared. And not at all sure how to make the right kind of impression on a potential decision-maker for my admission. And did I tell you that I purchased a five hundred dollar plane ticket for this excursion and the one to Astrocamp? *faint* I did end up watching The Misfits slightly after it was due back at Blockbuster. I've heard (ok, read, online) a lot of accolades and a lot of criticism for this movie, but my personal opinion is it was really wonderful. Screenplay by Arthur Miller, starring Clark Gable and Marilyn Monroe in their last film. I thought it was beautiful, maybe not least because I have such a soft spot for Marilyn Monroe and Arthur Miller each (but not both together, because that doesn't seem right somehow). Marilyn does not get the credit she deserves for her acting; her portrayal of Roslyn was adorable, in the sense that I adored her. Gay to Roslyn: "What makes you so sad?" Something about this line -- it's a delicious line. See it in context, if it so please you. Rudy Huxtable is twenty-two years old. That's my age. Does anyone else think this is a blatant misrepresentation of reality? Everyone knows Rudy Huxtable is five years old. Good lord, she's actually twenty-three! Lies, all lies. Ok, now for a serious question: do any of you believe, seriously believe, that life cannot be truly fulfilling/fulfilled without children? That is to say, that unless you become a parent your life will never be fully happy? That when you look back on your days from old age, you will sense something profoundly missing unless you've raised a child? Do you believe all childless people are unhappy/shallow? This is not a debate topic, per se; I'm wondering seriously if I'll regret not having children, after it's too late. Who's to say? I don't want children now, I'm not willing to change my life for children, I'm not willing to sacrifice my own needs for children. I think I would make a crappy parent, for many more reasons than I've ever mentioned here. I'm not fond of babies, especially the brand new ones. But I do love children and enjoy being in their presence (up to a limit). I don't want to look back and feel like I missed out. Yet, I don't think...well, I'd like to hear your thoughts. It's a beautiful day today. I feel good. Spend time with the one you love. Don't let it get away. Time. Away. 9:37 a.m. - 2002-07-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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