outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary

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one wee Jessie

My god! (sob, sob) Where are you people? There have been two updates on my buddy list in the past six hours! I know it's Friday and it's finals and it's Christmas time, but have a heart, you guys. Some of us are sitting on our asses for eight hours at a time, wishing upon wishing that somebody would update.

Thank god for Blaise, that's all I have to say. Promised updates from Estree and Twinarrows? Nowhere to be seen! I mean, *what's* up with that?

But anyway, folks...I'm happy to say that I made my dreams come true today. I convinced my two other coworkers for the day (everyone else is suspiciously out today. Big anti-the-three-of-us party somewhere? Probably.) that we needed to order a sporkie pizza from Bertucci's. At last, my watering mouth rests at peace. That sporkie has been on my mind ever since I last/first tried it, which had to have been during the summmer. Weep for me as you think about my suffering.

In other news, falling asleep all alone in a hole in the ground in the big city is really starting to take a toll on me. At least, I hope that's what it is. I keep thinking that I'm on my out, that I'm going to die very young, very soon, that I better say good-bye, that I better hurry up, that I better be careful, that I better watch my back...never before have I had such anxiety. I mean, it's not incapacitating anxiety, I don't break into a cold sweat and start screaming the rosary into my pillow, but it does surely move me toward the very bad mood end of the spectrum. It's not always; right now, for instance, I'm functioning within the "eh, I'll live to be 112, see if I don't" mindset. But when I feel alone, when I'm scared and there's no one to tell, my soul gives up, and it tells me, "you're never going to make it. There are too many things against you, too many people out to get you. You can't trust anyone. You should always be afraid." I was trying to calm myself down last night, thinking, this is just you, this is just your mind trying to scare you. The universe is not trying to warn you. The universe would not tell you if this was going to happen. But that didn't work, because my mind started saying, but what if it does try to warn you? What if this is true, what if I am on my way out? I'm too young to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die from this part of my life. Of all times in my life to die in, yeah, this would be my last choice. It's one of my least favorite parts. Get me away from this cold, unfeeling city, then maybe I'll reconsider (but don't count on it).

Is it really the city? It sounds ridiculous and petty, but yeah, I think it is. I don't feel safe here, I feel out-numbered here, I feel squished, down-trodden. Oh my god, I feel like I'm in high school! Cool, all I have to do is graduate. I was always good at that.

Hm. Am I freaking you guys out? You all right? I don't *have* to write this crap here, I *can* keep it to myself. Yeah right, you know I'm lying. I didn't even intend to start on this topic but it came a-gushin out anyway. So never mind, I can't keep it to myself. But I'm over it now! So you can get over it too.

Let me see now, how should I go about ending this so you all don't call the white coats on me...here, how 'bout this, you can be very proud of me. I finished up all the crochet squares and now I'm sewing them all together. This is really not a fun process, but as soon as I'm done, all that'll be left is the border. It has to be finished one week from right now. Think I can do it? What? I thought I heard you say no. You asshole!

Speaking of, is there not some universal hand signal for "turn on your goddamn blinker, asshole"? Because there really ought to be. Blinker, that's directional for those of you who refuse to say blinker. Even the blinkers say blinker. Listen to them next time you take a corner: blink-UH blink-UH blink-UH. It's really true. Anyway, back to the hand signal. The middle finger is effective for expressing the "goddamn" and "asshole" portions, but it's really the "turn on the blinker" part that has me stumped. Many's the time I could've been killed, or maimed at least, by stupid asshole drivers who forget there are entities other than cars on the roads. And I've tried inventing signals to inform them of their grave error, but the stupid asshole drivers just think I'm waving at them and being friendly. Stupid, stupid asshole drivers.

2:01 p.m. - 2001-12-14

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