outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- pre-graduation worries Now that I've torn myself from chat, where I've been for the past five and a half hours, I suppose I can squeeze in a mediocre entry. It may involve zits, it may involve horny old men, it may involve Creole spices. There's no telling which way I'll turn. Let me start thusly: I'm tired and I don't want to be here. I'm tired and I want to go home. I'm tired and I'm seriously considering backing out of my plans with Anna for this afternoon. We can blame all these things on Spiderman, indirectly, since it was he that kept me up past my bedtime last night. It wasn't an awful movie, but it also wasn't a very good movie. It was, however, very amusing that Rob disliked it because it didn't stay true to the cartoon. :) I just think we could have better caught up with Rob's friend if we had gotten a few drinks and played a few games of pool. A movie, although easy on the brain, is not the best social setting. It's also a waste of ten bucks to fall asleep during one, which is completely unacceptable. I shouldn't be this tired though. I woke up a FIVE FULL MINUTES before I had to today. A sure sign that I'm a-ok and need no more sleep. Or so you would think. Bonus of the evening: Papa Gino's. You can't pass up a good roof-of-the-mouth scorching. Mm-mm. But it's so good! Speaking of good...yeah. Other things were good too. I had an unusual experience at Papa Gino's with Rob yesterday, that shouldn't be unusual: there were a few minutes there when I was enjoying being with Rob without considering what judgements other people would make about our relationship. What on-lookers would say about us is always on my mind. It's strange that that bothers me so much. I think it's because we have such a great relationship, but I don't think anyone could tell by looking at us, but I want them to. I want people to see how happy we are (I'll have to think more about why later), but most of the time we're in public, we're not happy. Rob has so many anti-social tendencies, and I'm so critical of what I see as this weakness, that what other people see of us is skewed and colored by this. A lot of the time I'm straining to put on a certain face, exaggerate the good things between us, for the sake of the general public. Now why do I think I need to do that. Do I want people to envy us? Do I want them to admire the good job we're doing? Am I seeking approval? Am I trying to set us up as an example for other couples? Why do I do this? I'm not sure. All I know is that few minutes at Papa Gino's when it went away, it was such a relief. This Saturday is my sister's graduation party, which will be big and loud and boisterous and overwhelming, and this will put the typical strain back on our relationship. We'll see how that works out. Anna has agreed to reschedule our plans. Phew. I feel like a sorry slimeball for cancelling our already sad and abused intentions to meet up, but I think I'll just go home now and crash for a few hours and get the guilt out of my system. I really must track down something to give my sister. Maybe some magical potion to make people accept her. What are the chances that an 18-year-old girl with an ever-expanding collection of Hello Kitty merchandise will not be ridiculed and ostracized when she arrives in the big scary city? Not too good, right? I hope she ends up with a like-minded roommate. And like-minded dormmates. And like-minded professors. She'll be fine. Right? Right. But just in case, I'm buying her a sword and a can of mace. 2:41 p.m. - 2002-06-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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