outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it's not over because it has to end I'll try to squeeze this out. It won't be very good, but I don't want it to be very good. I just want it to be out there. What's worse than knowing that you're going to die someday? Knowing that the one you love most in the world is going to die someday. I was looking at Rob fold his clothes in the hotel room in Kissimee, and I asked myself, how can I, how can I buy into this life when he's just going to die someday and leave me without him. How can I accept this role we play when we already know how it's going to end. How can I give to him so freely when he's just going to take it with him when he goes. And then I realized that it's these spaces between deaths that make life. That that is what Rob is, he is what he is while he's alive. There is nothing besides that. That's what he IS. This is my time, my only time, to share with him. This is what life is. It's so obvious, I know that. But it's been so hard for me to realize. It's hard to enjoy your time when you're spending it trying to hold on to things that won't. Stay. Put. It feels so much like it's a tortuous tragedy, like all the good times go for naught and all we get is dead and buried. But what a waste that is. Life is the time between and including hurts. You can't stop it because you're afraid. You can't hold back. You can't squander a single moment. This is what life is. 3:43 p.m. - 2002-02-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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