outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- neck blows bubble -> whole world created Beware: I am about to drive myself crazy with this entry. I myself am not entirely sure what that will look like. Regarding the beginning of the universe, or the non-beginning of the universe...um, yes, that was a poorly formed topic sentence. What I mean to say is, I can't wrap my brain around any of it. Whether you believe in the Big Bang or creationism of any flavor or something else entirely that I haven't thought of yet...at some point there must be a beginning. A pre-Big Bang, pre-Universe Created by Omniscient Entity, etc., a pre-universe. Where does it all start? What comes before your god? What comes before my big bang? It is often said that the question is meaningless. There is no before god, there is no before big bang. What is it then? The universe existed for all time? What is "all time"? I still, despite chunks of knowledge to the contrary, hold that time flows in a straight line. Lines, geometrically speaking, have no beginning nor end, but they are just abstract concepts and their ends don't concern us. Is time an abstract concept? Gah! Gah! *Jessie's brain falls out her ear* Ok. Redo, redo. "It is illogical for time and space to begin from nothing." That quote comes from this message board, a survey about people's beliefs on this topic. Fair enough, ok. Is it more logical that time and space have ALWAYS existed, than that they began at some point? I find both equally unsatisfying. Always existed, always always? Ok, that's not fair, because I'm talking about time even though time before TIME is definitely a non-sensical concept. What do I mean then? Time can start but...but not end? Time can start but before time there was nothing? Is that possible? Ok. We *could* say, that time, in our reference frame, refers only to the dawning of our own universe. But that eventually gets us back to where we started, because at some point we have to ask, from where did what came before us originate? Unless we're dealing with some altogether different mode of existence that I can't comprehend...yeah, but I refuse to believe that. Even if I did believe it, I'd know I was just believing it to avoid these questions. Actually this sounds very similar to the conversations I used to have with myself, resembling "if we could go to the edge of the universe, what would we see? what does the universe expand into?" which really demonstrated my inability to grasp the concepts I was questioning. I have to conclude that the same thing is happening here; that the questions I'm asking, or at least, the answers I'm seeking, are undefined, because the questions don't reflect reality. There is no edge of the universe. The universe does not expand into some reality; it is reality. The universe does not begin; "the universe" is an abstract concept, and our understanding of it begins at the big bang. Perhaps. In reading some of these religious debates, which always fascinate me because I've lived on both sides of the fence, I did dredge up a rather interesting morsel from my own past. I realized that that epiphany, that moment when God pours into your soul, that feeling of warmth and security you feel...that did happen to me. Or rather, I did feel that. I did have God in my soul, for, I don't know, several years at least. And it means nothing to me now. It means "false memory" to me now, false episode, misapprehension of what was going on. So what does that mean? For me, it is further evidence that atheist is the way to be. FOR ME. I don't want at all to argue about religion, if you have it and I don't. I don't want it to look like I'm attempting to "convert" anyone to anything -- with the exception of people in chat who I think should damn well to convert to reason, as I see it, from whatever ignorant bubble they reside in presently. But that is a different story. Or is it? To go from divine inspiration to firm atheist in the matter of a few years is quite a turn-around. Very much so. I wish wish wish I could remember how it all happened. Twelve, grandfather died, very religious. Fifteen, getting confirmed, no longer believe anything I'm standing up for. How did this transition occur? It sucks that I wasn't keeping a diary during this time. Actually...I may have a diary that catches the tail end of it. It's a very angsty, silly-in-retrospect kind of diary that I started my freshman year of high school. I think I'll dig it out and see if I can develop some kind of thesis about this. I do have an inkling...a question of identity and needing something to believe in and rejecting what I'd been told and trying to invent something new...I invented new things for quite a while there. I don't think I ever knew who I was until college. Then suddenly all the expectations about me were swept away, and I was living amongst people who knew nothing about me, and I was able to redefine who I was. Or newly define. I went from being a conglomerate of other people to something uniquely me. Bunny, this I think you referred to in a recent entry. You're not alone in doubting your uniqueness. Is uniquity a word? Wow, how self-centered am I to start the entry talking about the dawning of time and end it talking about the dawning of Jessie. Pfft. Shall we go mundane briefly? I have just a little while before I'm off to my orthodontist consultation. One-ly, I went swimming with Anna last night. Phew! Swimming is hard, man! My goal was ten circuit laps, which I thought would be all cinchy based on how prolific a swimmer I used to be. Not so! Take yourself out of the water for three years and be prepared to flounder all silly-like when you resubmerge! Anna and I both expressed sentiments of, "god, last time I tried this I could swim the length of the pool underwater." Yes, all well and good for the *last* time we swam; not the same story for now. Brother, do we ever need practice. Good little doobies that we are, though, practice is exactly what we intend to get. After the swim, I realized with horror and no small amount of guilt that I had become just exactly the thing that I hate most (or most often) about the city: slow people in the T stations! Oh, the humanity! Right you were, whoever it was, who said that maybe the slow people aren't slow on purpose, but slow because they can't go any faster. Shame on me. I still believe that full 75% of those people are just slow to piss me off, but there is a good 25%, present company included (that's me, yo), who want to be faster and CAN'T. Ok, word sandwich, down the chute. I'm eating my words. Get it? Have to run to my appointment. Quick shout-out to Bolo, who I magically saw on the T the other day (a most unusual event for me). How was the movie, chico? And I apologize that you were subjected to my "I'm tough and mean and angry about having to ride the T; everyone stay away from me or suffer the consquences" expression when I boarded the train before I saw you. It's all a facade, I can assure you. At least, I've never had any need to put it to the test. So long, all! 1:47 p.m. - 2002-04-23 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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