outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I slept in today, ha ha I'll have you know that I am the number one match for "cloven-hoof sneakers" on Google. Oh yes. My life is an abomination and you're all here to witness it. Today is day one of my summer Monday mornings spent in bed. Thus far, I'm fully pleased. Went to bed at 2 last night, woke up completely refreshed and unhurried at 10, and didn't have to be at work for another two hours. Oh joy, oh bliss! The one unfortunate happenstance is that I'll not be getting home until 8:30 and have a guest arriving before 9 to watch the latest episode of Witchblade. So I'll have a half an hour or less to wash off my sweat, make myself look presentable, and feed myself dinner before she gets there. It was poorly planned, what can I say. If we can count on you, Scooby Doo! I know we'll catch that villain...Rob and I rounded ourselves up on Saturday morning and headed out for our Scooby Doo rendezvous (which took a long ass time -- thank you Cape Cod tourists). We met at Emily's house so we could sit and chat with her and my friend Melissa, but Rob's primary concern was playing with the baby and all her toys. Fine. We took off for the theater and fetched our tickets and popcorn. Rob surprised me with a box of Sprees, which for me are the primary movie candy. The movie was better than I expected, although of course no masterpiece, but with plenty of silly ironic or clever jokes to keep you occupied. But the most notable thing was Rob and Abby (the baby)...the way he kept tipping the bucket of popcorn toward her, nonchalantly, as if it was the least remarkable thing in the world. I'm not sure if I can explain this. What was so amazing about the gesture was how selflessly father-like it was, how "this is my responsibility and I take it in stride" it was. Anyone who saw it could easily have assumed he was her father. But this did not make me warm and mushy inside. This did not make me want to bear his children. This did not make me keel over with the cuteness of it all. It made me feel markedly selfish in comparison. I could never be that selfless, even with kids involved, and especially when it comes to food. Ooh, I always wanted that mac and cheese and those chicken nuggets for myself when I used to babysit. I'm far too concerned with my own survival to put anyone else's above it. I am so not at the level that Rob is. He could easily pull off fatherhood right now, and I am in no position to give it to him. Not now, and maybe not ever. I asked him last night if he wanted to be a father, and he said "Not right now!" But ever? "Well maybe someday, but not right now." What I don't think he understands, in fact I know he doesn't understand it, is that I don't think I'll ever EVER be ready to be a parent. That he may never EVER have kids, at least not with me. I'm too selfish to have kids, and I'm too selfish to let him have kids...I'm just selfish. And he's not. And I'm icky. Onward. I surprised myself Saturday by not stopping when I had completed the path I had set out to jog. Just kept going, didn't feel finished yet! It was kind of a special little moment there. And then I surprised myself *again* by waking up forty-five minutes early on no less than SUNDAY, and getting to work by 7:30. Ever so proud was I, especially as we're not expected to start working until 9:30 or whenever on Sundays. So I was out of work by 3:30. But the time was killed by laundering. Damn laundry! I had five loads to do, one of which was my comforter which required the freaking three dollar washing machine. It was probably about 80 degrees outside, and I had lugged a rolling suitcase, a shoulder bag and my full backpack up the street to get there. Now, I of course have no outside verification for this, but you're going to have to take it on faith that I was, in fact, The Sweatiest Person On the Entire Earth just then. There was no one sweatier than I. It's not like laundry is any kind of strenuous exercise either, I was just hot, stressed, and unable to get the dollar bill to lie flat for the stupid change machine. Damn dollar! Ah well, the good thing to come out of it is that all my laundry is now squeaky clean. Except for my running clothes, which were conspicuously left at home during this excursion. Doh! Damn running clothes! I got most of my packing done, at least the packing of clothes, so I'm in pretty good shape now. The only thing left to buy is bar soap for the two of us, which I guess I'll do tomorrow. The packing of the stuff we'll need in the kitchen will take the most effort. Not because I don't know EXACTLY what I'll need, but because we have to keep the whole shabang small and compact, since it's my parents and not us who will be bringing it up and back. It's not good policy to take up more than your fair share of someone else's trunk space. Look, it's almost one! But I don't get to go home until eight! Boo! In other news, I have yet to receive the contract from the place we'll be having our wedding reception. Since I contacted them over a week ago I most strongly feel that I should have said contract in my greedy little paws by now. They'll be receiving a curt call from me later in the day. There are many things I should be doing right now. To you, I say, good day. 12:09 p.m. - 2002-06-24 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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