outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- let's call this \"Jessie has a deep thought\" There's a roaring, a hovering, a rushing behind my ears and just behind the limit of my peripheral vision. There's a thick, hoarse cry of "You don't know, people; you don't know, you don't know anything about this world and you never will." Now I feel the need to dissipate this mood with a flippant "so there" and change the subject. Maybe I will. There is none of those things that guides life for me. I don't believe that spirits watch over me, I don't believe that being good will entitle me to a good life, I don't believe I'll be rewarded with eternity or that I'll ever become one with anything ever. That is not what inspires me. None of that ever could. I have just one episode here, and it's going to be heart-breakingly short. If I want it to be the best I can possibly come up with, it is my duty to make that happen. (blink) (blink) It's very hard to come up with what is the best you can come up with. Well, I have this much at least. I am very proud of who I have been so far, and proud of who I am right now. So long as I can be someone to be proud of, I will be ok. I will jump into the ocean, alternately fully clothed and buck naked. I fully intend to sail my ship to Iceland, or maybe Venezuela. I will open the world's eyes to itself, and I will tear my heart wide open in search of morsels to offer you and you. That is my promise. It's a four-parter. When it's all over and I leave the ones I love, I know I won't be back for them. I can't deal with that right now, so I won't do it right now. It's so amazing though. Our brains are so fantastically complex, our bodies so in tune with themselves, and when it's over they fall back into the ingredients they made themselves from. It's only fair, I guess. We all have to take our turns. I will go back to raw materials for new life. The sun will go back to raw materials for new stars, the Earth will go back to raw materials for new Earths. Onward and upward, to galaxies and clusters and maybe universes, who knows. I can only hope. We are never lost. We are always right here. So there. 2:30 p.m. - 2001-08-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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