outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- stupid subconscious I have half-formed sentences in my head that go something like, "so I was making my lunch at 4 o'clock this morning," and "I was talking to Raquel in the second hour of her allotted birthday 24," and "while working out at 3:30 am..." I did something truly bizarre last night. Namely, I went to bed at 5:30 and woke up for the day at 2 am. I didn't mean for this to happen, I was just taking a nap (*cough*) after I got home from work, and the nap (and then another one *cough*) turned into eight and a half hours of sleep. So I was up at two and begrudgingly accepted that I was pretty much up for the day. I ate some Wheaties and wished Raq a happy birthday and worked out and showered and made my lunch and played yahtzee and went back to sleep for an additional three hours at 4:30. When I woke up this morning -- unacceptably sleepy, considering I'd had almost 12 freaking hours of sleep -- I wasn't sure if I hadn't just dreamed that whole period of wakefulness. But I was naked and my contacts weren't in, so I hadn't dreamed it. I was naked because the temperature of my apartment was not conducive to the wearing of anything while sleeping. Shut up, you guys. Things happened yesterday that upset my dreams. Small things. The work boy, the one that everyone thinks is great and that secretly possesses a strong hold over me due to his mysterious charisma, paid me a little too much attention yesterday; i.e., more than none. When someone whose inner thoughts do not readily show through the surface looks at you (or me, rather), you can't help but get this strange flutter of specialness. Yeah, it makes you feel just a little special. "I wonder what he was thinking; I wonder if he was thinking..." Et cetera. The thing is, I don't care about him, I don't feel any particular need to invite him into my life or myself into his, I just like that feeling. If I was single...when I was single, this was the kind of thing that would have me flipping out for month-long periods. But then again, I was a teenager then. I flattered myself with an adult-themed dream about it nevertheless. No sex, for I am far too virtuous and monogamous even in my dreams, but there was some definite bare-assed film footage involved so maybe not so virtuous after all. *sigh* As delicious as it may have been (may have been), I still felt supremely guilty about it. And I do now. Not because I don't think I'm allowed to have these kinds of thoughts, but because I don't think I should be having them at all, if that makes sense. I don't condemn the feelings, they're normal and everyone has them. I'm just rather ashamed of myself for being unable to stop it. It makes me worry about future situations, and whether I'd be able to exercise any restraint if something came up in real life. I really do worry about that. I know I've failed in that respect before. Bah. I was afraid to put this up here lest Rob see it, but I decided to nip that fear in the bud and just tell him about the dream up front. I'd rather be honest about it than keep things from him anyway. It's not that I want to hurt his feelings or make him feel insecure, it's just that I want him to know about everything that's going on. And I want him to be able to trust my word, rather than expect me to sugar coat things for him so he can rest easy. I'd like that to go both ways, but it doesn't always. Melissa is coming to dinner tonight. I'm going to feed her spaghetti infused with lots of vegetables and minerals and make her sit in front of my air conditioner and be cool for once. BE COOL FOR ONCE, DAMN YOU. I must buy cannoli. I must buy garlic bread. I must buy something to drink that doesn't involve lactose so that she won't build up a big phlegm deposit and become unable to record her singing tomorrow. That I would feel bad about. I think these purchases would be best purchased at Bread and Circus. I think these purchases would be best purchased with my credit card, because I have not enough actual money in my account to pay my bills this month. But that's ok. It really is. What is it with everyone I know who watches Witchblade missing it on exactly the same day I do? How are we ever going to compare notes if none of us is taking any? Dammit. When my tv's in the shop, I expect you people to cover me. Ah, the episode probably sucked anyway. I'll console/piss-off myself with that. I should go now, software upgrade today. This usually means I must mess something up in some way. Off I go! Post Script to above: I just got an email back from Rob from after I told him about that dream. He is so great. 10:09 a.m. - 2002-08-15 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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