outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- where the fuck A quick run-down of my really great weekend, so I can get to what's really on my mind. Cream of zucchini soup and a luscious nap before leaving on Thursday afternoon. Arrival in Rockport at our beautiful bed and breakfast with a stupendous (stupendous) view of the ocean from our room. Dinner at tiny cozy (and dry, Rockport is a dry town; did you ever?!) restaurant with plastic cups. Early awakening for 9:30 arrival at Cape Ann for whale watch. Saw two young humpbacks and a fin whale. I got pictures, Rob got sick. Feet on dry ground, feeling better, depart for Salem. Spend delightfully gloomy afternoon eating chowder and engrossing ourselves in witches. Evening at the House of the Seven Gables, great tour there, bought the book and a couple Christmas presents. Back to Inn for night of watching America's Funniest Videos, which made me laugh inexplicably hard. Morning, I shower and read Seven Gables on the ocean front porch while Rob gets ready. Breakfast, then departure for Brooksby Farm in Peabody. Bought apples, corn, cranberries, turkey pot pie, cider, butternut squash, and a pumpkin. Home by noon. Sister and friend spending two nights on my floor (friend's mother frowns on daughter sleeping in dorm...ok). We stay up late and watch the 60's Time Life Music Collection infomercial (70's infomercial not on that night. Very sad) and wait for Rob to get home. Girls leave in the morning, Rob and I buy groceries, take nap (probably, I don't remember). I spend two proud hours at the gym. Girls return for the night, leave early next morning. Monday afternoon, mother and friend have race around Boston; Rob and I arrive early at Cheers to reserve a table for our large party. Lunch, walk sister and friend home, walk mother and friend to car. Rob and I return home, take nap (probably). Later, I pretend it's winter and eat soup and hot Ovaltine. Tuesday, dance class day. I was pretty cheerful during work, met Rob after. Cleaned up the apartment, washed dishes, made lunch, and took off for our lesson. Rob's best lesson yet, no whining, good understanding, sexy rumba. We go home, make turkey pot pie, squash, corn, and apple cranberry pie for dessert. Very Thanksgivingy. Watch Tuesday night line up, send full bellies to bed. Ok. And here's where thing go to pot. The following may end up being a little graphic (but not in a sexy way), so read at your own risk. I want to talk about it, so I'm going to, and I'm not going to spare your delicate sensibilities in so doing. Sexual dysfunction. Aren't we a little young for this? Rob in his early thirties, I in my early twenties. But something is definitely wrong. I can't put my finger on when it started exactly. I've been very dissatisfied; our chemistry is off. Sex is pissing me off, and I'm not getting off. I don't know what's wrong. It's not biological -- Rob works, and so do I. So it's psychological then? Let's review the facts. On our vacation, one of the nights, I say I want Rob to focus on just me this one time, focus on getting me to orgasm, think about how things will make me feel, instead of just himself. I wanted to be on top, I wanted him to sway his hips (which he didn't do consistently enough), I wanted to have the kind of orgasm I can give myself. But it didn't work. I couldn't do it. I ended up on my back with my head whacking against the foot board with Rob sitting up in front of me with his hand pressing my clitoris. And it was damn good. But it wasn't how I wanted it. Fine, I enjoyed myself anyway. After we get home, we have normal, regular, missionary-position sex. It was good. It was the same as always. Rob asked, "good for you?", and I said yes. But was it? Who has more fun? What's in it for me? Whose party is this anyway? I don't know what to do. It's ridiculous to think I don't get to enjoy sex as much because I'm a girl; I enjoy it a lot and I can cum as hard as any guy. Just...it wasn't happening during actual intercourse, at least not in the missionary position. I was confused, dissatisfied, uncertain, a little miffed. I said to Rob, "I don't want to have sex anymore. I don't like it anymore. I don't want to do it." "What? I thought you liked it! You always used to like it." "Well I changed my mind." Eventually, I said I didn't want to have sex for a month. So I had time to think about it. What's going on here? Why isn't this pleasing me? Maybe, I thought, I just don't like cock. You know? Maybe I'm a full-on lesbian. I do love Rob. I'm attracted to him too. But when we get past insertion, pfft, whatever, I could have as much fun with a Coke bottle. All right, so maybe that's it. But...it was never a problem before. I've always liked sex. What was different about it then compared to now? And I'm talking two weeks ago then, not two years ago then. I don't know, maybe Rob stopped caring. There are certain things I like that I'm not getting...teasing, playing, fantasy, pretend. So, maybe I just need more foreplay? Hmmm...ok! Yes, I just need more warm-up! I told Rob about this last night. I said, "I decided I need more foreplay." His reaction? "More work." "But don't you want to please me? Don't you want to do things that make me feel good?" He nodded emphatically. I was satisfied. We went back and watched more tv. "At first I thought I just didn't like penises," I confided. Later that night, we were snuggled up in bed, he curled around my back and legs. "You want to play with me?" I whispered. So it began. He fumbled, he groped, he stumbled around my body like a virgin teenager. Finally he was inside me and started to grind, and a little (ahem) voice inside me starts saying "WHAT THE FUCK!?! THIS ISN'T FUN! WHY IS HE DOING THAT? DOESN'T HE SEE I'M NOT INTO THIS? WHY DOES HE KEEP GOING? THIS BLOWS. I DON'T WANT TO GO THROUGH WITH THIS. WHY ISN'T HE STOPPING?!" All right. Talking about this is making me want to throw things and scream at the top of my lungs. Let's press on. Eventually, Rob catches on to the fact that I'm not moving. "Does that feel good?" he asks. I sigh. "Just finish," I say. (yeah I know, what a major turn off THAT was). Deflate. It just wasn't doing anything for me. Nothing at all. "What's wrong with me?" I say. I am close to tears, I feel like...I feel like one of these people who have sexual traumas in their pasts and don't remember them, then can't enjoy sex and don't know why. To give you an idea; I don't know if that really helps explain it. Anyway. Something is going on. Is that clear? There are some clues. For one, nightmares about getting married. Two days ago, I had a night terror about being married. I can't remember anything about the dream except how terrified I was. Then last night, a nightmare about our wedding day, and nothing's being ready, and having no time to get everything done to pull it off. Yelling at everyone. Running around desperately. And Rob wanting to finish just one more game of pool. I know some of that is in my conscious mind as well. I am afraid of getting married, just as afraid to start living with Rob in less than three months. I'm not really scared that things for the wedding won't get done, but it was just a generic anxiety dream dolled up in a wedding dress. So, stress. That could be a factor in this. Inadequacy. With my "all me" demands on our vacation, I've (inadvertently and undeservedly) made Rob feel like he can't do anything right. Now he's nervous with me and his nervousness is irritating me and turning me off. Rob just doesn't care. Whether it's because he's no longer attracted to me, or bored, or just being selfish, he's not willing to put the effort into make sex an experience for both of us, not just him. Imagine calling foreplay "extra work." You think a good blow job is easy? You think I don't go out of my way to turn you on and make you feel good? Do you forget all the things I've done for you in the bedroom? This last thing makes me want to cry. It's just not fair. How can he be so self-centered? When's the last time he made an Anneliese for me? Fuck, I've been asking to play doctor for months now, and that's never happened. I'm BORED, for christ's sake. Where's mine? I'm going to go now. This is really upsetting me. 9:31 a.m. - 2002-10-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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