outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary

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brief reverie

My eyebrows arch. My expression is of calm, coy disbelief. Hm. What's important to other people, is not important to me. I wonder if what's important to me, is not important to other people.

Or maybe it's all a show. All just literary chunks of persona that might look grand in an entry, or portray something lovely about yourself that you want us all to know. Just a little shard of your existence passed on to the reader. I can buy that. I'm guilty of that.

But I just wonder sometimes...if that's really you. If that's really what you think about, what matters to you. It's foreign to me. I don't understand it. At times like this, it's harder and harder to define the online diary experience. The motivations behind it.

Maybe it's just my jealousy. Your side of the screen knows things about you that my side of the screen never will. You create abridged Reader's Digest versions of yourselves and give them to me and expect me to be satisfied. I'm not. I see things about you that you can't see, and I can't tell you. I'm not in that privileged place. My opinion is valueless in the relationship we have. All I have to work with is the Reader's Digests of you. All I have is what you give me. You know how innacurate you are, so you know how innacurate I am. You can explain me away by explaining away yourself. "Oh, that's not how I meant it." "Yes, but what I didn't mention was..." "Well you can't really understand it, because you didn't see his face, and you couldn't hear the tone of his voice." All true. I'm way outside here.

There are vast portions of you that are missing. I would write this whole diaryland thing off as utterly unsatisfying, if I didn't find all the little bits and pieces of you so intriguing. It's like watching the day unfold through a tiny hole in a wall. What I can see is just as mysterious and fascinating as what I can't see. You led me to the hole, you showed me what was important. I don't know why you chose what you chose. You're not Hollywood. You're not that obvious.

Yes, that was a compliment for you and a partially shrouded jab at the movie industry.

I could easily fall in love with you. But I'm not going to let that happen. Not while I'm outside.

2:34 p.m. - 2002-02-22

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