outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- libido alarm Just wondering about some things. Doubting myself. Wondering if I should lose weight, or dress prettier, or be nicer...what makes a boy not want to have sex with a perfectly available girl? I know there could be reasons that have nothing to do with me, but I don't know if they apply here. Besides, it's a lot easier to blame yourself. For the record, I have asked Rob. If his answer displeases me, you'll be hearing more about it. If not, you won't. I got a little famouser recently. But only in the eyes of those who read Sky and Telescope. The latest edition, April 2002, page 68. There's a group picture of all my classmates from fall of 2000; I'm the one with the sunglasses and legs. And on page 69 there's a quote attributed to me, that I didn't say. But that's ok, because no one cares. I could have said it, it could have been me. It just...wasn't. By Saturday at the latest, we'll be through phase one of the TfA application. I'll know if I got an interview, or not. In the meantime, I'll be obsessively checking my mail and bemoaning the fact that there isn't any. I think this calls for the following: wienerschnitzel. I'm working this Sunday, and the Sunday after that is Saint Paddy's Day. I'm going to make an Irish stew. I don't know why I've been obsessed with cooking lately. I've probably spent an extra hundred dollars a month in ingredients. Shameful, I know. But I've really been enjoying it. It's nice having all this potential lying around the house: the pizza stone, the mozzarella cheese, the teflon baking pans, the measuring cups, the confectioner's sugar. Perks of adulthood, I guess. I sometimes like just realizing how free I am to do whatever I want. Last summer when I was just starting to make some actual money, I went into a Dunkin Donuts on a really hot day and just bought an iced coffee. I felt so supremely independent. Just realizing that I didn't have to answer to anyone about how I use my money. I suppose being financially partnered will change that. But not too much, at least not at first. After the wedding is paid for, we won't have a whole lot of big money drains until we decide to buy a house. And who knows when that will be; we're nowhere near settled. So for the most part we'll still be able to spend our money as we please. It's not like we're irresponsible. We'll still be able to have a good time without going into debt. Assuming, of course, we get the damn wedding paid off. But enough about my wallet. Let's talk about my belt. Is it doing anything to create the illusion that I have a waist? I think not. This not having a functional trampoline thing is probably beginning to have an effect, whether or not I can see it. Well hell, I don't WANT to notice I'm gaining weight; it's just an unfortunate side-effect of having a mirror and a boyfriend who won't have sex with me. Hm. It's really too bad that I loathe physical exercise of any kind. It's too bad that I sit stationary in this goddamn chair for eight hours at a time. But hey, I did some jumping jacks in the bathroom today! Two. It's a start. I've been blowing off E&M for a while now. Like, ever since I decided to take it ungraded. Naughty, naughty, Jessie, the more you do that, the harder it will be to catch up. I know! Don't you think I know that? Don't you think it burns inside me with the fire of a thousand suns? No, it really doesn't. All right, I'm off to read Isis-Osiris. See what happens when no one has sex with me two days in a row? 3:33 p.m. - 2002-03-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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