outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in which: Jessie looks all mood-swingy "You can learn a lot of things from the flowers, for especially in the month of June, there's a wealth of happiness and romance, aaa(crack)..." How cool must it have been to be the little girl who was the voice of Alice and Wendy, and acted out all the scenes dressed up like them for the animators. Except that...except that Alice and Wendy were a good deal prettier than she was. Yet she was perfectly cute. I think that was rather rude, making Alice and Wendy prettier than the girl they were. And I thought of this for what appears to be no reason whatsoever. I thank all of you who were sad with me about my failed teaching advances, but I want to assure you that I'm really fine. I've moved on to other dreams now -- namely the TA at the Biosphere thing. I don't know if I'll go through with applying for it, out of fear that I'll actually get it. Which is kind of funny, because that's the same way I felt about applying to the Biosphere the first time around. I was so excited about the idea, but scared about living it. And see how well that ended up turning out? I'm going to leave the decision of my application up to...well not exactly chance, and not at all fate...I'm leaving it up to The Way Things Turn Out. One of my precious Biosphere/Mount Holyoke friends has applied for another position up there for the fall, and if she doesn't get it, I'm not applying. For one thing, she needs to be in Arizona next year, and I don't want to take the chance from her. And for another thing, it wouldn't be nearly as fun if I got the job and she wasn't going to be there too. So we'll see. I've been desperately awaiting a kind word from either of the schools I wrote to. Or any word at all. I suppose if I haven't heard a thing by Friday, I should start expanding my search. Email isn't really the best way to go about it, but it's by far the easiest. I just want to see if I can get my foot in the door anywhere, to get an idea of my chances with this endeavor. One of my far-away friends (in many more ways than one) called me last night. She's a high school friend of mine that has lost an important something over the past, um, three or four years. Her ambition, her morals, her values, her sanity? Anyway, she called me last night to tell me she's coming home for a visit, and asking if we could get together. She also began telling me of her new-found aspiration to get her Ph.D. and become a professor, and if I thought it was feasible or just a far-fetched impossibility. I said not at all, you can absolutely do it, and I detailed all the things she could do to make it happen. I left the conversation feeling good, feeling that I may have inspired her somewhat to go forth and do it...but then wondered if maybe this wasn't more of the tell-Jessie-what-she-wants-to-hear bunk that she often spews forth to get me off her back and on her side. She's gotten manipulative in the past few years, so I don't know how I should react to this. Many's the time she's concocted a lovely comfortable story from me, that I'll accept and be happy about until I hear from someone else what a load of bullshit it was. Ah well. No one's asking me to invest in it, but I'll support the dream for whatever it's worth. I suppose it's no skin off my back if ... Whatever. You can't trust some people, even if they are your former good friends. Encourage them in their lives, yes, you can do that. Get involved in their lies, no, you don't want to do that. Let's see, what else? I was here yesterday, snooping around but not writing. I had intended to write, but now I don't know what. That's very exciting to read about, isn't it. I don't know what else. Random trivia? Ok. Next Sunday is Saint Patrick's Day, and Sunday is probably the worst possible day for it. Who wants to be hungover on Monday morning? *raises hand tentatively* I'm taking tomorrow off because of working yesterday, and Rob and I are going to do something and then something else and possibly another thing. No plans. Nothing good to fill an entry with. My father's birthday is Friday, as is Anna's, and Saturday is Melissa's show down the street from me that I may go see with Spooky, and then I'll die and be reborn again on Monday to come back here and do the same crap over and over again like I always do so I can write here and waste my life in front of a computer screen while time ticks away and I finally die again for the last time. Oops. Did we just take a turn for the worst? Right. This, we have summarily discovered, is Not What I Want. I just hope I do find What I Want, before it's too late. This job may offer me more money than any other option I have right now, but it's not worth it. It's not about the money. It's about not spending your precious life on things that mean nothing to you. So what do I want to do? I want to teach. I want to be creative. I want to get a master's degree in science education and then maybe a Ph.D. It will be a lot harder than my previous plan of getting a Ph.D. in astrophysics, because grad school isn't free when you want to be a teacher. God, when did this happen? I was so firmly anti-teach for such a long time. And I can't...remember...why... Is this what will happen to my resolve to be childless? AARRRRGGGHH Positives. I can go home at 3 today because I stayed an extra hour yesterday. Then I can run around like a kid skipping school. By next Monday I'll have ten full vacation days, five or six of which shall be devoted to cruise time and the others of which shall be devoted to who-know, who-cares. I've started a new bouncing regimen of three reps of ten minutes one day alternated with just ten minutes the next. I've been using visualization to imagine myself toned and waisted. My bio2 friends and I are beginning to tentatively plan another get together in the spring. I'm not scared of Boston anymore. But I might leave anyway. I can start planning my wedding again soon. Spring is coming. I can plant wildflowers :) I'm getting out of here, and I'll be happy. 11:08 a.m. - 2002-03-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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