outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary

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loss

I'm perfectly aware that it's illogical and unreasonable, but the fact remains that the five-year-old death of the twenty-one-year-old Savannah Smiles girl is still freaking me out. Tell me if this has ever happened to you: you start thinking about someone all the time, all of a sudden, and you don't know why. Then you remember, forcefully somehow, that that person is dead. It's the same thing that happened when Adam committed suidice. It's the same thing that happened when Sequoia was killed in a car crash. They featured in my thoughts randomly and for no apparent reason, until SLAM -- it came back. It's a circular process. You relive the feeling over and over.

We've been lucky most of our lives, Rob and I. But this kind of luck cannot last; inevitably, you lose more and more people as time goes on. You have to face it, you have to grieve, you have to, HAVE TO, move on.

"How will you react when someone dies?" I asked Rob last night. "No one's ever died on you before." I've been thinking about this lately. I wonder if Rob would be able to deal with losing somebody all of a sudden. He's had no practice with it.

"I don't know. I could handle it."

I told him about the Savannah Smiles girl. "It's been freaking me out," I say.

"I don't get freaked out easily," he says. He means this to be consoling. He means to say that I shouldn't worry about him. However, that's not how I see it.

I see it as his never really thinking about it. As his never truly caring about the people who die. I see it as his inability to relate to the way it feels when the people around you fall, the people you love. This man has both parents, all grandparents, a gaggle of healthy, thriving cousins and siblings, a short history of pets, and none that were really treasured...and me.

There's one thing I worry about above all: that my luck will fail before his does. No no, I don't mean that the way it sounds. I'm afraid that I'll lose somebody that matters, and his failure to relate will create a chasm between us. He'll be left behind because his lack of experience will result in a lack of empathy and compassion. And I'll feel that sharply and push him away. I strongly suspect that it wouldn't be the first time in history something like this has happened. Fuck, it could happen with any emotion, not just grief.

I don't want to hope that he loses someone first...but I do. I think I'm better...let's say better equipped to deal with his pain, than he is to deal with mine.

Shit. Marriage is hard.

*dwells, stares at screen, examines fingernails, gazes out window*

*changes subject*

Rob and I made spinach and ricotta stuffed shells last night, and a peach pie. Dead sexy. I have shells for lunch today. Growl. We didn't make the pie until after I put my lunch together, so I don't have any of that, but I prophesy a post-dinner pie fest for me. In fact, Rob asked me last night, "so what do you foresee the future holding for us?" or something to that effect. I thought about it seriously for a moment, before responding, "Pie?" And Rob cheered.

In reality, I foresee a lot of things for us. Good things, and bad things. Things that affect us both, and things we have to face alone. I've faced a lot of things alone during the duration of our relationship. Things I can't talk about, can't express to him. They go away with time. I imagine the same goes for him. That's disturbing. I understand why I don't tell him everything, but I don't understand why he doesn't tell me everything. Grr, followed by ha.

I'm hungry. I've been running around all morning, trying to keep the backups under control, and it's still not even lunchtime. I called home about an hour ago, and let the phone ring four times before I realized that if anyone was home, they wouldn't even be awake yet. Our natural family sleeping pattern involves staying up till 4 am and not getting out of bed until one in the afternoon. I was never meant for the 8 to 4 lifestyle.

I leave you with a joke.

- Knock, knock.

- Who's there?

- Chicken hair.

10:52 a.m. - 2002-06-14

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