outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The summer of my content I am still alive, with a vengeance. (I wanted some other word besides vengeance, because it sounds too aggressive and Steven Seagal-y. I almost put "flourish", but that sounded too glittery and soft.) I am still alive, with pizzazzamatazz. I had thought, for a moment in time that felt more like a century, that my life was ruined completely. G turned on me, I was broken and exposed and fell to pieces. But good can come from absolutely anything. We hit a breaking point, we turned around, and we've been trotting back toward higher ground ever since. Perhaps we shall see an end to this nonsense, and I really hope we do. I really wanted to pour it all out here at the time, but I couldn't. I hope that's behind me now though. Meanwhile, strange things afoot: I am feeling almost settled here. AL-most; let's not be too hasty. I do recognize a familiar feeling creeping back though - that occasional sense of this is my life, and it is good. Sitting and thinking about it now, I'm recognizing for the first time that that feeling has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember...but up until now I only associated it with specific times and places. Childhood times with friends, bohemian episodes in the city, inspiring displays in the desert, charming turns in the prairie. But it isn't all about the places and the people, at least not in isolation, but all together as a whole. It's like a musical undercurrent that you can tune into. Every once in a while, you'll fall asleep, or sneeze, and lose the beat, but if you're quiet and listen you can pick it back up, and life will sing again. Right now, I'm humming along. Maybe it's not external at all; maybe it's not the universe's song, but mine. Maybe I'm the one who needed to start singing again. I don't know what it is that brings it back, but I do know that everything is dark when it's gone. I am older now. And heavier; no arguments there. But I am as free as I ever was. More so, in fact. 6:56 p.m. - 2012-06-14 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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