outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the devil's in the details Thursday nights rock. All my classes for the week are done, I have a late-starting and brief bout of work tomorrow, then the weekend stretches out before me. Laaaazy days. Unfortunately, that kind of thinking is what's gotten me into this state. I haven't gotten ahead of any work this semester, just managing to scrape together any assignments a couple hours before they're due (and those last couple hours are consumed by showering, eating, driving and parking). I never do any work when I get home, since my classes are all in the evenings and, even though I typically go to bed after one, by 7:30 it's "too late" for working. Then I'm never in the office because now that I'm not TAing and not responsible for anybody else, I don't need to be, yet when I'm home I can only think about domestic things like what I want to cook for dinner. I've gained fifteen pounds since moving from Cambridge, if not more, and this is no concealable difference on a body as short as mine. I was never all that thin to begin with. Now, I'm not stupid, I knew this was a downward spiral and that it would come back to kick me in the ass at some rapidly approaching point in time. I have three classes this semester, each with a corresponding paper and presentation. But with spring break standing between me and the deadlines, I foresaw this ass-kicking taking place sometime in late March, early April. But wait, I am stupid, because I forget that I'm being paid for continuous work. My biggest project has been the one I'm working on for the National Observatory. It allows me to interact with educators on the Tohono O'odham reservation, and be the designated "specialist" on what they need and what the observatory can do for them. My work is meant to be summed up tidily in a website that teaches non-native educators how to work with the students and the community and how to be most effective in their teaching. This is a vast topic with no clear-cut delineations and multiple different and valid opinions to consider. There is no end of people to talk to and no good way to know if they speak for others or just themselves. It's difficult to get time with teachers in general, and more so with those on the reservation because they're over an hour away. Then there are the cultural barriers; I am an outsider to both the culture and the profession, so I'm a foreigner to native and non-native teachers alike. Plus I'm representing the scientist community, which makes me seem even less accessible. It's been very challenging being THE "expert" on the topic, since there's no one to direct me and no one to challenge my construction of what the answers are. Still, I'm committed to this project and I believe in its worth, because I think it could potentially help the TO community by improving its education in some small way. Of course it worries me that I won't be the one who creates any new curriculum, and that those who come later to build off my work might not be sensitive for the right reasons. I have the impression that the organization is pushing cultural relevance for the sake of covering their asses rather than for the benefit of the learners, but don't take my word for it; I have but one contact within the observatory. Gah. This has all been a long way of complaining about the fact that I was criticized by my boss this past week for not having any written product. This criticism was based in fact; I've been very lazy about writing when there's no deadline to write for. But I'm still taking it really hard because it seems to invalidate all the work I've been doing. Which is stupid, because I should be doing that work AND writing. And since I haven't done that, I'm really just mad at myself because the criticism was justified. There, you HAPPY, boss? I have until Monday to pull everything together into a written quasi-essay. Fine, a deadline. Now, Wednesdays are my project days. Right now it is very early Friday morning. Have I written one word about this? Nay, kids, I have not. I need pressure to create, but if I let the pressure build up too long I end up rushing and ending up with something subpar. Yet here it is Friday morning, and I haven't done anything, and this is not the only thing I have to work on this weekend. Why am I such a dumbass? No seriously, why? I think it might have something to do with the fact that I feel hopeless about ever enacting any positive change. Those worries I mentioned above are serious reservations I have about this project; tribal/governmental relations are very tricky, and there's distrust and misunderstanding on both sides. I don't want to play into that, I don't want to play into substandard traditionalist educational practices, and I don't want to be the betrayor who comes in, makes friends, and vanishes, leaving destruction in her wake. I don't want anyone fucking up my project because they don't understand it like I do. So what am I supposed to do? I'm supposed to write all of this down, share my knowledge, and make it make sense to other people. That is my mission. I have to communicate not only the knowledge I learn from the tribe and its teachers, but also how to use that knowledge in a positive, constructive way. * Take things slowly. There. Pretty simplistic, right? This isn't ground-breaking stuff, but it might sound like it to scientists who have no background in educational theory. I have my work cut out for me. But I actually feel a little better, because including integrating a crash course on multiculturalism had never occurred to me. This website could actually be more than what I'd envisioned. It could actually be THE thing that I've wanted it to be. The idea! Now I've got my work cut out for me even more, but in a hopeful kind of way. Joy! Now I just need to get my boss to fall in line, and the National Science Foundation to think it's the greatest thing ever. Then...people need to read it and actually do what it says. Ah well. Baby steps. Rome wasn't built in a day! Time to go lose fifteen pounds. I'm going to start by sitting on the couch and eating a bagel. Homemade! 12:54 a.m. - 2004-03-05 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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