outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- it holds me down Don't get me wrong; I have plenty to be grateful for and I appreciate all of it. I am healthy, I am not in any danger, I have love in my life, I laugh, I have what you call a comfortable lifestyle. Nevertheless, this is how it feels: - like nothing will ever be good again G's sister's untimely and undeserved death broke me in two ways. One is this: We are never safe. Intellectually I understand that life is borrowed time, and that what we do with the time is what matters, not when and how time will be up. But that does not soothe the gritty unsettled sensation of the fact that ultimately it's all out of our hands. That is on me. That is in my head. The worse outcome is seeing G suffer. Watching her suffer and not being able to help. Not just on the big days. Every day. Knowing that she lives every day with the pain inflicted on her in her past, piled on top of the fresh loss of her sister, piled on top of a deep fear that it's all going to happen again, and again. Put it all together, and what do you get: That someday unexpected, my time will be up. And I will cause my own true love to suffer because I loved her so much and I am gone. I can't get out from under this. I can't figure out how. I need help but I don't know what to ask for. 9:00 a.m. - 2010-07-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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