outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- where are we going? Took a mental health day today. It's good to not be on campus, but the intense anxiety is still with me. Maybe I would have felt better if I'd been with the students today, but I really don't think that would have been enough to abate the oppressive tension. I go back and forth about what I think might be coming tomorrow. There is a chance, albeit slim, that it'll be positive. An apology for Friday, and a request for collaboration. Could I take the high road and be humble if that were the case? Maybe. Probably. I guess we'll find out if it comes to that. Then there is a chance that it'll be negative, in one of two ways. Horrible and I get fired, or horrible and I have to stay. I'm more afraid it'll be the latter. Not sure what they could do to me that could be so awful but not awful enough that I need to finish my contract, but I am oh so sure they'd find a way. I'm also not sure what they'd find to fire me for, but again, have complete faith in their ability to pick something. What I'm worried about is that they won't be quite stupid enough to make the extremely stupid move of firing an instructor in the middle of the semester. Creating that level of mayhem would be sheer insanity. Then again...yeah, you know what I'm about to say. They just might be that insane. But if they're not planning to fire me, what the hell do they want to talk to me about? This is the first and probably only meeting of this kind that I've been called to. I used to meet up with our previous dean one-on-one quite often, and occasionally with our previous president as well, but those were always positive. This is CLEARLY meant to be some kind of punishment, but for what? Asking a question? I just can't wrap my mind around it, and that's probably what I'm most disturbed about. I just don't know what is about to happen, so I don't know how to prepare. Given this uncertainty, I've tried to cover my bases. I've got a copy of my contract ready, I've figured out how much they owe me if they terminate my contract early, I've looked online to see what a candidate should say to a potential employer about being fired from a previous job, and I'm planning (though haven't yet started) to get caught up on my overdue reports so they can't hold that over my head. I also intend to get caught up on my grades today so that if I go, my accounting is ready to be passed to someone else, and if I stay, I'm prepared to head into the next half of the semester. I don't know what else I can do. I wish I could do some kind of self care, but my most ingenious idea to that effect is to take a nap and listen to the new Beck album. Both of which I think I will do now. 1:29 p.m. - 2014-02-26 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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