outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A thick black cloud and a hint of a silver lining Days after my promise to myself that I would choose to remain positive, and hours after making a commitment to keep things in perspective and realize that the world will persist no matter WHAT happens to my research, I am fighting despair. Barely on the safe side of the giving-up-completely precipice. The student to which I had transferred all my hopes and dreams, student assistant-wise, chose not to pursue the position. Ok, that is disappointing, but I can deal...I may need a few hours to feel sorry for myself but ultimately I can move forward and revamp my recruiting efforts. I went out today to hang more posters, leave a bunch of flyers, and talk to anyone I could fortuitously bump into. And in truth, it went well; I got an invitation to give a brief pitch at a faculty meeting on Tuesday, a suggestion to speak at another staff meeting, and the go-ahead to give a more full-blown presentation for the all-staff meeting early next month. I ran into a student who had previously applied but took another internship, and she was positive about the project; I had a chat with another grad student colleague who is starting his own research. All in all, I was feeling pretty positive about the day and thought I'd made a little headway, especially in the area of getting the word out about what I'm doing and how it will and won't affect the tribe at large. Ok, now I don't want to say too much, because this diary is not entirely private nor very well anonymized. Also, my computer just died, and even though my partly-done entry was miraculously preserved, perhaps it was a sign that I should shut up. Short version: I heard some things being said about my research in what sounded like a teleconference. Rather condemning things. I-could-be-shut-down-at-any-time things. All right, so, I'm pretty upset about that. I felt not just a little betrayed because this was a former ally, and angry because this was being discussed without my input. Not that everything that is said about me needs to be cleared by me beforehand, especially in this case where the ones who run the risk of being exploited and harmed, but in this case, this person should have known better because this person supposedly understood my intentions and my purpose. In the last few weeks especially but generally throughout the last three years I've been working on this project, I've had to be brutally honest with myself about who stands to gain from this research most, me or the people I'm trying to serve. Am I taking more than I'm giving? Am I looking out for the students' and the tribe's and the college's best interests? Cutting right to the point: Do I deserve to be trusted? Would *I* trust me with this research? With the doubts that have arisen with the advent of this hardcore (well, by my standards) student recruitment effort, I've had to really look myself in the eye, figuratively speaking, and search my soul for the answers. How far am I willing to go to make sure that I handle this appropriately? Pretty far. Not to the ends of the Earth, but a hell of a lot further than I ever dreamed I would when I first began my degree. Now to be betrayed by someone I trusted, who is afraid I'll betray the trust put in me...is it ironic, preemptive, taste of my own medicine? I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around it all. So there's that. But then, as I'm halfway through writing this email, there's a call from a cultural advisor to the project, telling me he has a lead on a student who might be a good prospect for the position. And I tell him what I heard, and he tells me some things he's heard, and everything starts to feel a little better. I'm a little further from crying, a little further from giving back the fellowship and switching my dissertation topic to something quantitative, and maybe a little closer to graduating and getting on with my life. I know there's a reason for hanging on to that last thread of hope even when it seems like a better idea to just break down and cry, cry, cry. Deep down underneath all my cynicism and fuck-it attitude I still believe that there is good in staying positive, picking yourself up, letting the wind blow over you and going with the flow. Something good will happen. Someone will come along to help you up. Count your blessings, goddammit. Those mountains will still be there tomorrow, the ocean isn't boiling away any time soon, and we all have things to do with our lives, even if they aren't exactly what we planned for them to be. 1:15 p.m. - 2009-09-17 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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