outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary

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relocation anticipation

Had G here for a whole week, but now alone again. We did a buttload of work on the house while she was here, then I was down for the count with debilitating pain. Uterwuss.

I got a job. Did I mention? I am happy about it and unhappy about it.

Happy because:
1) job seems cool
2) coworkers seem cool
3) city seems cool
4) near a host of beautiful, natural places I like
5) access to great food and fun

Unhappy because:
1) it's not the least bit near G's new job
2) there is no affordable housing. None.
3) it's a much bigger, citier city than I've lived in before
4) the cats will hate me throughout the moving process
5) it's only a temporary job, 1 to 2 years max

And I'm afraid.

Winter has set in here, like most everywhere else in the country, in full force and ahead of schedule. I already hate the winters here - lonely, frightening, dark, cold, isolating - and it's worse this year - G's far away, the house is slowly transitioning to being someone else's, I have no other place to go. As soon as G left this afternoon, despair arrived. And fear.

But it's only in my head, and I need to get it out. Whatever happens with this job (I've received no contract yet, nor any help with the housing situation), I need to get this house ready to go on the market, interface with the realtor, pack up my shit and the cats and go. Somewhere. Maybe it'll be west to this new job, or maybe it'll be east to my parents', or maybe it'll be north to where G is.

G said, I can't understand why you're not happier about this new job. You're going to be right there near this place that you love...a place on a t-shirt I happen to be wearing right now. I was psyched about this job, where I would be designing curriculum with one of the most prestigious curriculum design teams in the country. And I was psyched to be moving to a climate much milder than Nebraska's, though not as mild as Tucson in winter. But along with these exciting changes come some very not exciting changes, like having a long-distance marriage, and living in a place where the crime rate is dystopian. And I'll be alone! No family or friends nearby, although if I do ever find a place to live there, I'll have guests up the ying since it's a totally great tourist spot.

I realize I'm fighting with myself via diary entry, but this is where it all goes down so hang on tight.

Call me crazy, but I don't want to uproot my life before I even have someplace to go. I planned a trip for next week that will give me one day - ONE DAY - find a place to live. Then Thanksgiving happens, and boom, I'm on the road to the new city. G will join me on the way out, hopefully, but then she'll have to fly back to the midwest. And I, most likely, will panic. It's a good thing I still have my emergency anti-panic meds for times like this, although all they really do is knock me out.

How much of my fear and anxiety is justified, and how much of it is emotional scar tissue from the traumatic last semester at the college? I'm not sure. I'm trying to be rational, but not knowing where I'll be hanging my hat is very scary to me. I'm trying to remember how I've handled this before.

When I got my first real job and moved from my parents' house to Cambridge, a realtor helped me find a place (an apartment in the basement of a townhouse, as you may recall). Rob helped me come up with first month, last month and deposit. In Tucson, I scoped out places online and a friend went around and looked at them for me; I picked a place well away from my job because I wanted to feel safe, and I did. Here in Nebraska, I had a realtor, but I was buying, and I had no fears about safety because it's Nebraska and there are like five other people in the whole state.

I know I was scared every time I moved to a new city, but I plunged forward anyway. Except for the fact that I hated it here (which I blame on the farms), it all turned out ok. True, I was scared of Cambridge every day, but I also survived every day. I got to know the city, I reached out to strangers, I made friends. In Tucson, I never really got to know my neighbors, but friends came easily. I loved the city, even with all its dirty bits. I think I could love this city too. It definitely has all the dirty bits like Tucson and Cambridge, but it has all the charm and beauty and vitality too. If I can make it there - if I can find a place I can afford, if I can pack up my house, if I can drive across the western half of the country and get myself set up - I will be ok. I just need to get there.

I think part of why I'm so scared is that I can't imagine what living in this city will be like. I've only been there once, for my interview. I walked around the downtown a lot, but I couldn't go any further than that without knowing a lot more about the public transportation systems. I don't really know what this city's character is, other than what people tell me. I don't know what to expect, I don't know where to look, and I don't know what life will be like.

I'm going to go look at Craigslist some more. It will be ok.

2:22 a.m. - 2014-11-12

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