outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary

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Alone, dry run #2

Because I need to get shit done today, and tomorrow, and for the rest of the week, etc., I am trying not to be irrational with sadness. (Also: Hormones.) G was home for two brief days this weekend, and now is off on another excursion, this one for a week. True, I will be where she is in a week's time, and I'll get one day with her, and then she'll go home again. When I get home, we'll have one week together while we move. Then we'll have, I don't know, maybe another week at best, and she'll come back here and I'll have to stay wherever it is I'll be. (We made an offer on the lovely-slightly-tainted house and are waiting for news on the counter offer.)

I feel it is only fair to warn you that this diary is fixing to become a daily report on the status of my pain. I'm sure this comes as a surprise to no one.

As I sit here and try to verbalize it, it seems silly. What's so hard about being apart for six months? I don't know; things like, both of us being alone. Falling out of touch with the day-to-day of each others' lives. Me building a home for us in the new place, and G feeling like a stranger there. The fear of losing our closeness. Missing out on important moments. Becoming cyberfied versions of ourselves to the woman we love. Crying in the dark with no one to hold us. Being afraid with no one to comfort us. The ache of it all, and no way out of it, until it's run its course.

I think the only things that can help take the edge off for us will be little things. I was thinking I could leave her something small to remind her that my heart is with her, like a small heart-shaped something for her keychain or her bag. Something to remind her that she carries me with her. I could mail her things from our new place from time to time so she doesn't feel alone, and to help her build a connection with our home. I'll email her crazy long letters like I used to do before we lived together (still the pain of being apart from her was fierce then, even so). I'll find recipes related to the new place and plan to fix them for her when she visits, and I'll stock up on the foods she loves too. I'll get her tickets out for her birthday so we can be together (even though it'll be the middle of the semester) and I'll meet her at her family's for Thanksgiving. I'll send her pictures all the time, of little things and big things. I'll call her at bedtime and fall asleep listening to her voice.

It's not going to be easy. It's going to be so, so hard. But we'll find our strength wherever we can, until we get through it.

1:53 p.m. - 2011-06-27

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