outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Hints of depression Not unlike the assorted strips of rug, where the cats insist on vomiting. Not all in one spot, heavens no, but all over the house. Always on the rug, never the linoleum. Bastards. Comically enormous mood swings from one day to the next. On days like today, I feel pretty good about myself: I get things done, I feel good about my work, the house, my body, my future, my character, whatever. Days like yesterday, I feel like I'll never be happy again, I'll never climb to the top of my hill of work, I can't even start, I just want to hide and sleep and for everyone in the world to shut up for one goddamn minute please. Last night I dreamed I was trying to comfort and hold a woman crying inconsolably. An old friend from the past who I haven't seen in many years, I think. What was that? Was that supposed to be me? Worried all the time. Worried about G, will she make it home? It feels like wartime, and she's on the front lines and I'm holding down the homestead. If something happens to her and she doesn't come home, that's it for me; it's over. If something happens to me and she has nothing to come home to, the same as above. Why must the stakes be so high? Perpetually concerned about my teaching. Why am I not doing a better job? Why are my students not succeeding? What can I do, what should I try? What am I not saying, what am I not doing, that would make the difference for them, I wonder. I know it's what the students do that matters, not what the instructor does, but that's one-half bullshit because the instructor has to cajole and persuade students to do anything and that's what she's there for in the first place. My students don't have any faith in me, I think, and I'm not sure how that happened. And what about me? Why is my dissertation languishing, why am I ignoring it? Same with that online class I'm teaching, why am I not getting ahead on the things that are piling up there? I do just enough to stop the bleeding, but no more. Look, I know you're overworked, I know you're tired, but you need to get this shit done. It's the same to you as it is to your students: If you want it, if you really want it, then you'll find a way. G is coming for a visit in three days. Thank god! My soul is worn thin from stretching back to the last time I saw her. On the day she arrives, it'll be a month to the day since I left her in Tucson. I hate this war. My plan for today: 1) Send figures for the article they're finally publishing; 2) Rake; 3) Dishes; 4) Grant year-end report for the math department; 5) Catch up on all online class goings-on; 6) Prep for classes tomorrow. What will actually end up happening: 1) Masturbate; 2) Enough dishes cleaned to make dinner; 3) Start work for online class, peter out and quit; 4) Outline report, get exasperated and quit; 5) Postpone class prep until the morning; 6) Forget about article figures until at least Thursday. Comically enormous mood swing. I'm so predictable. 12:02 p.m. - 2011-10-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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