outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary

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what wasn't said before

Ack.

I talked to my father last night. Here are a few things I would have liked to say, but didn't. Partly because I didn't think of them till after, and partly because it wouldn't have mattered anyway.

Regarding the concept that if Rob and I broke up for a year, it would give validity to our relationship: Let's see. We, what, don't talk for a year? I tell Rob, I'm sorry, but our relationship has no validity unless we forget we know each other for a year. Or, we can talk on the phone but not see each other. That will feel nice. But either way, any way, we will still feel that we're dating, and whatever plan you have will fail. What is the plan? That we will realize we're better off alone and break up for good? Or just that you'll all somehow feel better knowing that we have the strength to be apart? I don't understand how this validates anything. But here's what I do think would validate it: if it was to you a reality instead of an abstract concept full of blanks that you've filled in all by your little selves. You may think you understand how we work, but how can you possibly? You don't even know Rob, and you've never seen me with him. How about you see what there is to see before you go making judgements about what needs to be done.

Regarding my morality: Believe it or not, I have always been the very person I am now. I have always been determined to do what I see fit rather than what everyone else thinks I should do. That goes for family members, friends, nuns and priests. I have my own set of morals, and it's not the same as yours. It's made up of ideas of morality from everyone I've ever come into contact with. I don't see the decision to live with someone before marriage to be a moral one. To you, yes, but it is not you who is making the decision. Do I ask each family member for their approval before I do anything? Do I expect everyone to agree with what I do? Do I agree with what everyone else does? It's just not the issue. Maybe I'm selfish to believe that the things I do with my life should be approved by me alone, but if so I have always been selfish, and nothing has changed. Maybe you're just angry that you never noticed it before.

It's not lost on me that a lot of the things you say are merely justification for the feelings that you have. What you describe is not me, it is how you want to see me so that you can make sense of your own anger. I am not emotionally feeble, I am not lying to myself, and no I'm *not* telling you everything, because no matter what I say, I end up back where I started, if not deeper in the hole than I was before. It doesn't matter. You will get the filtered version of what's going on in my life for as long as that's the only thing you can take.

That's all I have for now. So glad we're further from getting this sorted out than we were before. God damn. Before anybody says anything, let me just say that if you fancy yourself on my side and want to say that I don't deserve this treatment and my father is being unreasonable and my life is up to me, keep it to yourselves. Stranger, friends, even Rob. I don't want to hear it. You don't know the whole story and I'm not going to tell it to you, because there's too damn much to tell. You don't know what I deserve and what I don't. If you want to tell me what a naive little inconsiderate bitch I'm being, maybe I'll hear you out. But you better have damn good reasons.

8:49 a.m. - 2001-10-29

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