outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- We don't fight the same, you and I... ...and that is our biggest and stupidest problem. I was definitely pushing the envelope today. Almost to the point of violence. Not on my part, on hers. No harm done...not entirely. I wasn't physically hurt, that is. Truth be told, I wasn't really hurt emotionally either. I think she was trying to show me what could happen if she let go. But that was fruitless, because I refuse to be scared of her. It's not a choice I've made or anything, I just flat out can't work up the fear. Nor do I think that's much of a loss. So. Here's the thing. I hate to be ignored. I hate to feel that I am not even worthy of a person's attention. It brings me back to the days of my insecure, unpopular adolescence, which I thought I was over but apparently it can still affect me at the ripe old age of whatever I am...28. Yeah. I hate yelling at a brick wall. I hate to ask a question and be given the cold shoulder. I hate the feeling that I needn't be bothered with because I'm not one of the cool kids. It sounds incredibly stupid as I write this out and try to defend it, but that's just how it is. So I provoke. I push that goddamn envelope and beg and plead for an outright battle because I just can't stand the silence. I just can't stand it. It does not have the desired effect. A physical confrontation is not the desired effect. It seems there is no step between silence and violence. I have yet to figure out what exactly there IS between silence and violence. I feel like I've tried everything, every combination of actions, to get us past these surprisingly common altercations in a healthy and, more importantly, brief fashion, with no success. I do want to be clear on this point: I was not, and have never been, in any perceivable physical danger, her threats and fears notwithstanding. She has never raised a hand to me, until today, and she has never tried to hurt me, including today. I think there is danger in her irrational wrath, but it is not physical. It might be worse. It has yet to manifest entirely, but it stands over us like a dark cloud and I don't know what to do about it at all. 2:47 p.m. - 2008-06-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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