outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Less money, mo' problems You know what, Universe? It would be really helpful if I knew just where all of this is leading. Just kidding, I know the Universe doesn't give a shit about me and my problems, but I sure as hell do. Where is this all heading, if anywhere? Every last possibility for me to find work has been squelched, save for two. If I get one of those two jobs, we're between two possible outcomes: one in which we can finally become financially stable and start paying down our debt, and one in which we squeak by paycheck to paycheck for the foreseeable future. Or, if the trend continues as it has been, I get neither job, and we face increasing debt and destitution, and keep on chipping away at our future until there's nothing left. Trying very hard not to despair. We're in a dangerous holding pattern in which every last dollar is allocated to one bill or another, leaving us, at this moment, $23 spare dollars to spend on incidentals. Our most pressing incidental right now is laundry, so there goes our last $20 to the laundromat, leaving us $3 until G gets paid again (and all of that money is already promised to next month's bills), or the four-pennies-shy-of-$42 I earned writing ridiculous freelance articles finally clears. We did go camping at Crater Lake for Labor Day weekend, but G gets so gloomy about money stuff that we didn't even have much fun. (It was beautiful though, the lake.) There is fun to be had, but she won't when our money troubles are pressing down on us. It's stupid. We don't need money to have fun. Just to pay our copious bills. BFD! For what it's worth, we haven't missed paying a bill yet. We've been racking up more and more credit card debt to do so, but our credit is still, ironically, good. I let our finances get out of hand because I shied away from looking at them. I never made a budget that actually worked. I didn't keep tabs on our spending. We kept the bills paid, but the rest of our money, feh. We spent it, and then we spent more. We racked up most of this debt when we were making twice what we make now. Part of it was (and is) our ridiculously huge student loan debt, but part of it was just carelessness. I could kick myself. I never used to be like this. But together, G and I have an unhealthy relationship with money. It's a habit we formed way back in the beginning, before we even shared our finances. And it's on me, because I was reckless in those early days and that set the speed for how we are today. I have this vision of how things could be if I get the really good job. It would make things harder for us in many ways because it's located over three hours away, but it would pay well. I worked this out on the drive back from Crater Lake: if G's current salary covers all our bills here, and I limited myself to $1500 in living expenses (rent, utilities, internet), which I think is reasonable, we could be paying down our debt while having spending money AND putting away money into our savings. If we were frugal, we could get back on top of things. Especially if the house would sell, which goes without saying. If I instead get the lesser paying job (it's almost a joke to call it that, because it's literally the worst paying job I would have since I was an undergrad), at least we wouldn't have the added expense of a second living space. I wouldn't be able to put as much toward savings (or - any at all, really), but we would have spending money and be able to pay down our credit card debt, slowly. I am just waiting. I want our realtor to send me a text saying, "A buyer has offered $X for the house - what do you say?" (I say YES.) I want to hear from the jobs - even if it's no from both, I want to know which direction I need to go. Waiting. Just waiting. I still haven't figured out quite what it is that I want, but I do know it involves not feeling like this. 10:45 a.m. - 2015-09-09 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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