outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- not a panic attack The great thing about summer is you can piss and moan and feel awful for four hours, you can waste time and slack off in front of the tv, then at 8 o'clock decide you need some exercise, and it'll still be light out. That is the grace of summer. It was strange last night. I left work so utterly tired, and got home utterly tired, but didn't fall asleep. This was due in no small part to the fact that I had a banana bread in the oven and didn't much relish the idea of burning the building down. I had Pop-Up Video on and they showed that Elton John video with Robert Downey Jr. in it, and I cried and cried. I was thinking, I can't handle this life, I can't trust myself not to buckle under the pressure of my extreme expectations, I can't get away from all the things that upset me, I'll never be able to relax, one of these days I'm just going to snap... So, it's official. Elton John is the new spokesman of my PMS-related nervous break downs. It's terrible to think that your emotions are not your own. Sure, this kind of anxiety is unwelcome and usually unexpected, but it never seems like it isn't actually me that comes up with these thoughts. But it's all hormonal and has nothing to do with me at all. That's just eerie. But it is nice when I finally do realize it's just the uterus kicking in, because then I can blow it off and start to consciously feel better. Notice that it smells good outside. Notice that someone's playing the trumpet through an open window. Notice that all the roses are in bloom. And just calm down. I can handle life. I'm not going to snap. It was a momentary lapse of hormonal equilibrium. Despite the fact that my oven can't cook a loaf of bread evenly and I way overcooked the corn I packed myself for lunch today, it's been a pretty good seven hours since I woke up. I've caught up on all the emails, done all my work, talked to a friend on the phone, and I found what I want to give as reception favors for my wedding. Hee hee. Haven't decided if I want to do bottles of syrup or candy. I really like the candy, and it's cheaper, but I suppose the syrup would be nicer. But look! You can get man and maid shaped candies! *takes a bite of terribly bad corn* I know some of you think I'm not such a nice person, and I can be mean-spirited a lot of the time. But I can assure you that I don't go out of my way to hurt people's feelings. I avoid it as often as I can actually. But if you repeatedly piss me off, either deliberately or just by being inconsiderate, I'm not going to keep letting it slide. I think a lot of mean thoughts in my head, even if they're not always true or anything that I would normally say out loud, but sometimes, for occasions like these, I start to let them slip. It's not the best tactic and it generally makes things worse, but dammit, you guys drive me to the edge! And I'm not going to apologize for it. I walk on broken glass around a lot of you, trying not to hurt you where I know you could be hurt. And a lot of the time, I'm not afforded the same courtesy. So MLARG. P.S. - this was a public service announcement to everyone, not just people here at Diaryland. FORGET IT! I'm not going to finish this wretched vegetable. Tastes like crud, yo. *sigh* Time to find out if day-old kinda bad banana bread is any better than fresh-baked kinda bad banana bread. So tell me. What are people getting their respective graduates? I'm not desperate or anything...I just don't think swords and mace are very legal. I got a card already so I could just slip her some cash, but I'm just not a cash-slipping kinda gal. At least not for my sister. I'll probably give money to my cousin, but that's because I can't go over and do an inventory of her bedroom like I can with my sister. But I'm not rich, and giving someone a check for $25 is so tacky. Yeah, I'd probably better just go scour the cool stores in Boston. So, does anyone know of any cool stores in Boston? 12:41 p.m. - 2002-06-06 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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