outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Resignation and reblooming I've come to the realization that most everyone has moved on. Those of my friends whose diaries haven't been blocked or closed down often have in their last entry something to the effect of, this diary has served its purpose and it's time for me to live my life offline. These entries were usually written in 2006 or 2003 or some other time in the long, long ago. It's good. I miss you, and I pretty much feel like a tool to be back here all alone while everyone else has outgrown their diaries, but good for you, all y'all. This doesn't go for everyone, but for many of us our diaries were the self-support we devised to help us through some of the more desperate epochs in our lives (whoops, almost wrote livers - that's different). We were lucky we found something that also connected us with a community of other people, whose own self-support could be extended to mutual support. But ultimately, lives change, desperation passes, loneliness fades into confidence and happiness. I'm proud of everyone this has happened for, and sorry I wasn't there to see it. All right, that being said...the fact remains that I am back here, after a, what, five+ year absence, to this place I just confessed to be my life-support system when things weren't so great for me. What does that say about how things are for me now? Now I can't honestly say that things were so terrible when I was writing during my stint in Cambridge, but they were terribly DIFFERENT from any life I'd led before. College was over, I was on my own, I was estranged from my family, I was with someone new. And I can't ignore the resemblance to how things are now: wrapping up my grad school career (I hope), soon to be charged with finding myself some solid employment after 6 years of graduate assistantships, estranged from my family, with someone new, and completely overhauling the life I comfortably led for nearly the entirety of my adult years. So it does seem fitting that I would seek solace in the arms of my trusty, overly-public online diary when I am unsure of my footing once again. But I am not the girl I was when I first started writing. I am older now and my priorities are different. I think what I am mostly thirsting for is someone to talk to about all of this, someone who knew me before and would want to swap stories about where life has led us in these last few years. That's a pretty tall order considering that life has gone on and taken you all to the four metaphorical corners, but perhaps there are a few nostalgic types like me who look back fondly on this community of writers from their yesteryears. What are the chances that someone's going to be feeling nostalgic at the same time I am? Not very good, I suppose. But maybe sometimes, you stop back over here to look at the fallow soil, and you feel the slightest twinge of excitement about the possibility of regrowth. 9:24 a.m. - 2008-05-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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