outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- advice in love I just realized that it was HER fault. I blamed myself for everything and I blamed myself for all my feelings, but that must have been some kind of self-denial or humility or both, so that I wouldn't see that she was playing me. But she was. And I've forgiven HER, but I haven't forgiven THAT. I don't know if she's ever seen what she's done. It was too long ago to matter now. Still, I'm not sure what was harder, blaming myself or realizing I should be blaming her. (Jessie slaps lotion on her abundant crusty skin) On the other hand, I just laughed uncontrollably for thirty seconds about my coworker's use of the word "superpuny." He was trying to tell me something about something and I was twittering from somewhere behind his head. He looked at me with "what?" in his eyes, and I said "superpuny! that's the funniest word..eh...nevermind." Look, if it's not funny to you, there's nothing I can do about that. You can lead a man to funny, but you cannot make him laugh. I am so afraid of losing Rob that I'm sometimes afraid to let him go. But I always do let him go. And I know that if something happened to him, I would be ok...but it scares me so much. I'm not sure if I'm good or if I'm bad. How do you all deal with things like that? To continue on this entry's theme of disconnectedness, let us discuss how cold I am right now, and how much colder I would have been if I had dressed in something more appropriate to tonight's plans. No, let's not. Let's talk about...ok, I found this in a little-used folder in my email inbox. It's part of a letter to one of my friends from high school. I wonder if it will incite discussion, or refutation, or nothing at all. "I know you thought I should understand [his feelings about sex, because I guess he thinks of me as well-seasoned in its art], but I'm just not sure about all the casual sex. If you continue to treat it as simply a fun activity with nothing to do with love or commitment, then it seems that that's all it will ever be for you. Is that what you want? I hope you broke up with [him] before you had your fling with your playmate. If not, I would call that betrayal. You can't have a relationship with a side of sex from outside. That's not fair. But I don't know, maybe you had this worked out with [him], in which case it's not so bad. Still, how can you expect to gain someone's trust when you have to go outside the relationship to feel fulfilled? I know what you're saying about cultivating a knack for good sex (if that's what you were saying). But don't kid yourself [into thinking that it's unusual to be interested in sex]. Of COURSE you're interested in it, everyone is. That's not a viable front for promiscuity. You're young, but you're not naive. You know your reputation has a way of following you around. Do you want to be someone people can call for a good time, or do you want to be someone who is learning how to create a healthy relationship? It's the quality of the relationship that matters, not the quality of the sex. Good sex is secondary to good love. The way I see it (and no one's saying you have to see it this way), every failed relationship brings you one step closer to a successful relationship, if you are willing to learn the lessons and gain what you can from each failure. Is that a ridiculously romantic and overly simplistic way of looking at things? I don't know, maybe. But it is important to know what you want, and how can you know what you want until you've seen what you DON'T want? Sorry about the caps, I can't figure out how to do italics with yahoo. I'm sorry if it sounds like I'm picking on you. This is the same stuff I've said to lots of my friends, many of whom were a lot more confused than you are. But if there's anything you all have in common, it's the lack of a destination for relationships. So many people think love is something that will just happen to them, and they'll know what to do. But it's not magic, it's not Prince Charming coming to sweep all your troubles away. It's just as easy to lose love as it is to lose your hair. You gots to stock up on the Love Rogaine." Actually that's an incredibly poor analogy, but I'm an incredibly poor analogist, so there you have it. 10:59 a.m. - 2002-01-18 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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