outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- if I can't make friends, at least I can make cake All right, I give up. Apparently it isn't possible to just go out and seek new friends. I was always told otherwise, but then again, Santa was a bust too, wasn't he. Oops, now I'm thinking about Santa instead of my friend-making issues. What a great defense! I can distract myself from pain by thinking about magic and old memories. That's just fine. Some of my old memories are coming back in a few weeks, and I'm deathly excited. Yes, deathly. The anticipation may prematurely kill me. That would be very sad, wouldn't it? I was being literal at one point here, let me backtrack. The memories I'm revisiting are my dearest, dearest friends from the biosphere. The biosphere is a place, my children; don't go thinking I'm an alien from another planet. It's an off-campus campus for Columbia University, it's in Arizona, and there is a biosphere on it. I had little to do with the biosphere. I'm an astronomer, after all, and I did things that related to astronomy. But above and beyond that, I made friends like I've never had before. I miss them like I miss my childhood. Ooh, I never noticed that before, but it's true. And I see them now about as often as I reconvene with my childhood, oh agony! But we'll be together in, let's see, two and a half weeks! I'm just as happy to be seeing them again as I am scared to have to leave them again. But piss off, ye happy memories, I was in the midst of feeling sorry for myself and I'm not done yet. I don't understand how I'm supposed to get close to anybody new when I'm not going to be able to share experiences with them. It's easy when you're in school cause everyone faces the same horrors together and you're all in the same boat. When you're in college, your mind is open to everything and you're looking at the world in a new light, and it's easy to open your heart to new people while you're at it. I suppose if I was a mother, I would be friends with other mothers, or if I had become a cop, I'd be friends with other cops. Sadly, or maybe not, people who work on computers day in and day out do not tend to be a tight-knit group. Am I wrong about that? We all seem to sit here and repel each other. Maybe that's because we know that people who sit in front computers all day will lap up the milk of human kindness one second and bite the hand that feeds the next. Or maybe, as devnullicus poetically waxes (careful, that makes no sense, don't use it in a school paper or anything), we're all computer geeks and we know it. My train of thought has jumped the tracks. Damn pennies! I was saying it's hard to make friends when people's lives are all over the map and you can't share a common set of interests with them. But the truth is, I'm just hurt. I talked to someone on the phone for the first time yesterday, and not only did she not mention this event in her diary, she comes right out and says she did nothing exciting yesterday (well that's a slap in the face right there) and barely spoke two words to anyone (which is a lie cause she talked my ear off when I was on the phone with her). I find this upsetting, cause I really enjoyed talking to her and it was probably the one new and exciting thing I did yesterday. It's also upsetting cause I really liked her and couldn't wait to meet her, and now I doubt that I could ever make the slightest impression on her life. Sue me if I miss having friends nearby, sue me if I like having someone to talk to and laugh with and enjoy life with. The only other time I've had such trouble making friends was my second year of college, when I lived in a single in the basement of the biggest dorm on campus. It took me about a semester to make any friends. Hm. I guess I could give myself more time. Maybe the friends I've made will become really good friends, maybe I'll meet some really cool people at Harvard (you think?), or maybe I'll form a bond with someone I work with (supresses evil laugh). I shouldn't give up hope yet. Even if all else fails, I still have Rob, I still have family nearby, and I still have all my golden olden friends. 8:20 a.m. - 2001-08-29 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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