outer-jessie's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A first Alone for Thanksgiving. Here in this empty apartment, facing empty days. Betrayed. Not that it wasn't my idea. I couldn't face another round of fighting so I asked her to go home until she could get herself sorted out. She didn't take it well. She did take all her framed pictures. I told her I wasn't asking her to move out, but I doubt it mattered. Even though I firmly believe it was HER actions that got us here, I am still nearly moved to apologize. For what, I don't even know. All I wanted was for her to care enough about me to not keep putting me in this position, over and over and over again, and I don't think that was such a horrible thing to ask for. But I don't want to give her up. Not ever. Despite the fact that giving me up is the only thing she ever seems sure about wanting to do. It's so painful I am crippled. It's so sad I don't know how to process it. It pains me so much to believe that she doesn't care about me very deeply, yet in spite of this belief I am still confused when her acknowledgment of my pain does not inspire her to alleviate it. If there was something I could do to lessen the pain of another person, I would do it even if I didn't care that much about them. And she doesn't care about me even THAT much. I said, we have to work to keep the relationship alive. You have to do the work. She said she didn't want to. And that's it! And that was before she turned on me. That was just something she said in passing. Off-hand. Like it wasn't the death sentence to our relationship. Why does it feel like I am always fighting to keep what I love? Why does nothing I love ever fight to keep me? I feel so low. So raw. Deserted. Discarded. My love does not take care of me. No one does. 12:50 a.m. - 2008-11-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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